My story

This is my story.
It's a short one,
but it's a hard, harsh read.
         -The Judybats

I have been putting off blogging because I didn't want write this post.  God has been prompting me for some time, but I kept putting Him off.  I hope you don't think any less of me.  You can't think any less of me than I already think of myself.  I considered closing comments, but I ultimately decided that would be cowardly.

In February of 1994 I found myself pregnant.  I was a 22 year old about to be kicked out of college student for bad grades, working a dead end job, and no health insurance.  The baby's father was an alcoholic drug addict who was ten years my senior.  I barely knew him.  We had only been dating for about 2 months.  I was in what you might call a desperate situation.  I didn't know what to do.  I knew I didn't want to change my life style, so I made the most selfish decision I have ever made.  It was also the worst choice I ever made.  I had what I mistakenly thought to be just a bundle of cells aborted. 
As so as the "procedure" was completed I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

When I suspected I was pregnant I went to a women's clinic to have an official pregnancy test done.  They told me the test was positive and asked me when I wanted to schedule the procedure.  So much for counseling, huh.  I had it done on a Friday so I could recover over the weekend and not have to miss any work. I thought it would be over and I wouldn't have to deal with the pregnancy any more and just go on about my life. I told the baby's father that I had had a miscarriage so he would be out of my life.

When I arrived at the clinic on that fateful Friday there were literally dozens of other women there for the same reason I was.  They took our money-they only accept cash, you know.  I was put in a group of about 10 other women and we were herded from room to room like cattle.  Blood work. "Counseling."
The counseling consisted of a woman coming into our room and asking if anybody had any questions.  Nobody did.  I suspect everyone else was as terrified as I was, so no questions were asked.  We were all given a muscle relaxer to keep us calm.  Finally it was my turn.  I took off my pants and underwear and climbed up on the table.  I was basically given a D&C with out benefit of any sort of anesthesia.  I had a hard time holding my legs apart because the pain was so great.  The doctor asked me how I managed to get pregnant in the first place if I couldn't keep my legs apart.  Nice bedside manner.  After the abortion was over the jar containing "the products of conception" was placed on the counter next to my head right at eye level.  I had nightmares and flashbacks about that image for years.

I spent the next year basically in a drunken stupor to numb the pain. I thought I was damaged goods. Then I met Bill.  He was the first person I told.  When I told him about it he just held me while I cried.  Bill and I eventually moved in together, and I did nothing to prevent pregnancy.  I have learned that this is common in women who have had abortions.  It's called having an atonement baby.  My atonement baby was my beautiful, precious Katherine.  I still had a dead end job, and by now I had been kicked out of college due to bad grades and basically not attending any of my classes--the drunken stupor, you know.  This time around I got married and went on Medicaid and had my baby.

I have a wonderful life.  A loving husband, the five greatest kids in the world, a loving supportive family, a house, 2 cars and 2 cats.  The American Dream.  But I will always feel like there is someone missing from my life.  Sometimes I still feel like damaged goods.  In theory I know that God had forgiven me, but sometimes when the pain is too great I even doubt that.  I don't think I will ever forgive myself.

There it is.  It's my story.  I'm not proud of it, but it is mine.

Wendy

Sorry if there are any typos.  I couldn't bring myself to go back and proof read.

Comments

[Christy]

Hey I got on to see what was going because I miss you guys and read this. You are one of the bravest people I know. You are also a GREAT mom. God has used your story and will be able to do so even more now. Christy

[Stephanie]

It took a lot of courage for you to write that.
I hope you find a way to forgive yourself, it just isn't healthy to hold on to that kind of guilt and pain.

[Unkempt Mommy]

First of all, you are awesome for sharing this. I hope your story comforts and encourages others who have gone through or are going through the same situation. You are so not damaged goods.

I totally want to kick the people running that pregnancy center and abortion clinic in the junk for not doing any real counseling or educating. Holy crap.

I hope you found peace and healing in sharing your story. I know that you know this, but it's good to be reminded sometimes. You are a daughter of the Most High and he loves you and forgives you. Really.

{{Gigantic Hugs}}

[shoofly mama]

Love. You. No. Matter. What. Unconditionally!

See how the Lord has blessed and forgiven you by the life he has given you. Wish I could come up to you and give you a huge hug. Watch out when I see you again.

[Yvonne]

I wrote a very similar post a few years ago Wendy, and the support I got floored me, and that and the bible study I went through helped me to heal a place I never thought could be. It was so hard reliving it all again. God is so faithful though, he lifted me out of that pit of self-loathing and healed my heart with His love and with those that He placed around me. He is awesome, and will do that same for you!! (((((HUGS))))) to you Sister! I'm crying with you...

[Becca]

That could have been my story, but only for dumb luck. I refer to the early 90s as "the downward spiral of my 20s." You are not the only one with mistakes and regrets and my heart breaks for the pain you still feel. I applaud you for writing that out and I know that God will use your past for your future.

[Cristina]

That was incredibly powerful. I know that it must have been hard to share, but thank you. I'm so sorry you didn't have someone to help you through that traumatic time in your life.

[Jstlookn]

I had tears in my eyes after reading your MY STORY blog. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write those words. I do hope that spilling it all out will release you from the guilt you have been harboring.

Look at it this way. If the Father was on drugs and an alcoholic, those things would have genetically affected his offspring, probably for the rest of it's life. He may have wanted shared custody (you never know) and think of the life that child would have had with a Dad that did drugs, abused alcohol, etc., and profoundly affected his child in a terrible way...

You were young, naive, did what you felt was the best thing at the time for all concerned and it's a totally understandable situation. Don't glamorize the 'remains in the jar' and relive it in your mind any longer. My personal belief is that God gives us babies, and when one goes back to him it is as though that unborn fetus is going back to it's HOME...to be with GOD. You have more than made up for it by the excellent home and love you and your husband have provided for your children. Forgiveness is good....Forgive yourself and set this free.

You only did what you felt was the right thing at the time, honey. I'm glad you were honest enough to have written what was a very poignant post.

[Jena]

Wow! What an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I'm curious--when you had the abortion did you have a background of Christian teaching that might have influenced your guilt/nightmares, or was this a natural human response? I ask because some people blame Christian teaching for "creating" guilt over abortion, so I wonder what your opinion is on that.

I love your heart and your honesty and so does Jesus. :) We all have things in our lives that we regret. That's why He came.

[mandy]

Very brave for sharing that. Thanks for your feelings. I have a close friend that had that same experience in high school and she hasn't been able to handle it as well as you seem to have. God is definitely forgiving. And oh so loving. I hope you can forgive yourself and see the beauty of life in your children. Life has some hard lessons.

[Rachel]

Wendy,

You know HE loves you so much that it's killing HIM watching you not forgive yourself. I was where you were. I had the baby. He's my precious Andrew. However, the pressure not to have Andrew from friends and extended family (not my parents thankfully) was overwhelming. I was 22 as well. I worked with the guy and it was drunk night on a beach that brought me Andrew. BTW, I think you are awesome and you get NO judgement from me. It was literally the grace of God that allowed me to keep my baby. I give HIM all the credit. Remember Christ's strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. HE wants you to use your past, not to beat yourself up, but to lift others up.

I have to tell you that the majority of my friends have been pregnant out of wedlock and most had abortions and a few had their babies, some even giving them up for adoption. This affects more women than you could possibly know.

Below is a link to Andrew's story.
http://betweenstupidandclever.blogspot.com/search?q=my+baby+is+Eighteen

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
Rach

[Diahn]

Powerful story - I know it too well - except I was 17, and the mind-numbing drinking lasted a lot longer.

God desires to heal every wound and every heart - and He longs to restore us so beautifully to His kingdom. I went through a wonderful Bible study called "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane with another friend who had also had an abortion. It was hugely instrumental in my healing process - even almost 20 years after the event.

May God wrap you in comfort as you continue in your journey.

[Cathy]

I love you so much Wendy.
cBoz

[Gayle]

Hi, I just came to your site via yarnsoftheheart.com. I was a pregnancy center counselor for several years which was run by the local church. We did free pregnancy testing, but counseled alternatives to abortion and told of the risks involved with abortion. I wish your case was rare, but sadly it is not. Many young women are making the choice to abort, their reasoning is if it's legal, it must be O.k. Many times we were there to help in the healing process for those who chose to abort their baby. The emotional conflict is great. I'll be praying for your broken heart to be mended. God is gracious to forgive and heal.